I began my brand new blog by planning out and writing a post about the “top 5 things I learned since being diagnosed with OCD.” I wrote an entire post! It was informative and funny. It allowed readers to get to know me through the context of my illness and recovery. Then this little voice kept popping up. Anyone with OCD knows the little voice. It’s the doubter, the over-thinker, over-analyzer and worst-case scenario builder. The little voice prevented me from posting the piece. “What if the information is wrong?” “what if I accidentally plagiarized?” “What if someone reads what I wrote and takes it as advice instead of just me sharing my personal experience?” “What if I trigger someone’s OCD symptoms or worse??” What if… what if… what if… ?
You see, I have had symptoms of OCD since childhood. However, my mental health really started to decline around the time I graduated from college. I began checking locks, checking the stove, washing my hands ritualistically, checking to make sure I didn’t hit someone with my car. These were just the things I was aware of. The visible compulsions. I looked up my symptoms and came to the conclusion that I probably had OCD. Despite knowing that I was an “anxious” person, I had no idea that my obsessive irrational fears were OCD as well. I had no idea that my constant fears revolving around making a mistake at work was OCD. I had no idea that my frequent and intense fear of harming my loved ones inadvertently (despite desperately wishing them no harm) was OCD.
It took me a very long time to seek the proper help that I needed despite being educated and working in healthcare. It was a terrifying time. Luckily this past January I received diagnoses of depression and severe OCD and started therapy and medication. Finding the right mental health professional was a scary first step but was absolutely the best thing I ever did for myself.
I have had wonderful success over the past several months with Exposure and Response Prevention and Mindfulness in conjunction with medication; however, I obviously still struggle. My OCD is triggered constantly. I am able to utilize what I have learned much of the time. But sometimes, OCD wins. Remember when I mentioned that blog post that triggered my doubting mind to go berserk? That was one of those times.
It was one section of the blog post in particular. I had brilliantly titled the section “You can’t outthink OCD.” It highlighted an anecdote about how I sometimes become hyper-aware of sensations in my body and obsess about the various medical anomalies that could potentially be transpiring. I went on to say that during those times a part of me knows that I am most likely feeling anxiety and yet another part knows that there is a chance something could actually be wrong, and wants to determine if it is “real”. All of this is true, it happens in various scenarios and the mental review is dizzying and could go on indefinitely. I concluded that if I were to continue to obsess about and try to solve the dilemma, I will never find the answer I am seeking. (Basically, stop worrying!)
Sounds great. Except… A week ago I had a panic attack. The muscles in my extremities began to twitch intermittently and I convinced myself that I was having serotonin syndrome due to being on multiple SSRIs and that I was facing certain death. I couldn’t sleep and was feeling extreme anxiety and chest pains. I practiced a body scan meditation and was eventually able to relax and go to sleep. The panic resolved. But the twitching didn’t! I went back and forth in my head…
“Am I making this up?” “Is this real?” “Am I just anxious” “I know I am anxious” “Am I anxious and having something real happen?” “How do I tell the difference?” “If I report every single sensation I could be deemed crazy.” “But if I don’t report an important symptom I will be labeled stupid!”
I eventually did report the symptom to my doctor and she determined that I had a buildup of serotonin in my system and decreased the dose of one of my anti-depressants … JUST LIKE I THOUGHT!
Sigh.
I want to have a solution. I want to be able to wrap this up in a neat and tidy bow. I hate the feeling of uncertainty that comes with this disorder and wanting to both quell the anxiety while giving attention to that which is critical. I agree with my assessment that “you can’t outthink OCD”. It is a vicious circle. However, I still desperately wish I had an answer for how to approach these scenarios.