Tag: Mindfulness

My husband stopped at the card aisle to pick out a Father’s Day card as I felt my feet carry me away from the greeting cards and towards the candy. Any other aisle, really.  I picked out some mints, and then I found myself walking back to where I had left him. In an out of character move, I began to flip through the cards. The first one was a classic “Dad joke” about letting your kids play outside, but later on being kind enough to let them back inside.  I chuckled out loud, despite having heard the joke previously. “God I miss buying Father’s Day cards!”, I exclaimed. Out loud. I allowed myself to feel a wave of sadness. My heart quivered and my belly clenched. I took a deep breath and noticed it pass. As I reached for another card I paused and felt the heavy paper in my hands, the earth beneath my feet and my husband’s loving presence beside me. I noticed the rise and fall of my chest as I took one more deep breath and kept reading.  I soon found myself smiling and giggling at more “Dad jokes.”

What had just happened? From the outside, it may have seemed like nothing.  

Last year in that same situation, I was most likely sulking in the card aisle pushing my emotions down and thinking about how unfair it is that my Dad died so young. How he missed so many Father’s Days.  How he missed all my major milestones. Graduation from High School, College, my wedding. How I would go through the motions and “put on a good face” for my husband. I’d go to the various Father’s day activities on his side of the family, but would wallow in self-pity the whole time.  

This year, something internal is different.  I have been working hard at therapy, taking medication for depression and Obsessive-Compulsive disorder, meditating daily, and learning mindfulness. I’ve been prioritizing taking care of myself.  One of the benefits of my mindfulness practice is the ability to notice my thoughts without getting lost in them. I am no longer stuck, tumbling down into a bottomless abyss. I like to think of mindfulness like the weather in the sky of the mind.  It doesn’t change the storm. It does allow you to feel the rain, listen to the thunder, and notice it pass over without judging it as a bad or good experience.

Every day is a struggle, but moments where I can calmly relate to my feelings without becoming weighed down by emotion and I can return to the present without becoming lost in thought are up-lifting. This Father’s Day I give myself permission to feel emotions as they come up. This Father’s Day I don’t have to hide.